Let Me Hold You Read online

  “I know! I’m a huge fan! If I could afford some tickets, I’d be at like every game.”

  “Yeah? I can hook you up with some,” Polo said.

  “For real?!” Zabrina squealed.

  “You’ll need one for you and your fiancé, right?” I asked. I think she was willing to screw both of them at that point, and I was gonna have to kick her ass if she kept flirting with my secret boyfriend that she didn’t know I was still screwing.

  She pinched me under the table and I pinched her the-hell right back.

  “You’re engaged?” Polo asked.

  “Do you see a ring on my finger?” she asked, then turned and cocked an eyebrow up at me.

  “Wow,” I muttered, then let my eyes roam the room as she and Polo talked about…shit, I don’t know, because the only thoughts in my head were Leland-Leland-Leland-Leland-Leland-Leland-Leland. And then my eyes shot over to him on their own, and I was forced to take him in from the ponytail atop his head down to his thick lips and that damn beard. His serious eyes were glued to me, and like a magnet, held mine in place. And there we were, transmitting something through our eyes, something I had never, and knew I would never, share with another man, because there was only one Leland McClain.

  “…right, Kim?”

  I snatched my head around to face Zabrina. “Huh?”

  “Um…come with me to the restroom,” she said, but I was sure that wasn’t what she said the first time.

  The door had barely closed behind us when she spun around, looked me in the eye, and asked, “You didn’t break it off with him, did you?”

  My eyes flitted around the two-stall restroom. “What? Why do you think that?”

  “Because the two of you were out there eye-screwing each other, and I have never seen a man look at a woman the way he looks at you. I mean, damn! What you put on him? His ass looks like he’s in love or something.”

  Dang, she stopped drooling over him long enough to notice that?

  Still, I said, “No he doesn’t, and we weren’t looking at each other like nothing.”

  She gave me a smirk. “Ho’, please.”

  I sighed. “I tried to break it off and then he did some nasty shit to me and I couldn’t.”

  “Uh-huh, I knew it!” She placed a hand on my shoulder and looked me dead in the eye. “Look, ignore anything I said before about him. He ain’t playing, and he ain’t out for revenge. His ass is crazy about you, and you know what? You deserve to be with him. You sacrificed your happiness to raise Armand, worked two and three jobs to make sure he had everything he needed and wanted. He’s grown now, and you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy.”

  Huh?

  I stared at her for a second, then asked, “You mean that?”

  “Yes! Girl, I know Garner loves me, but he ain’t never looked at me like Leland McClain looks at you. Shit, I’m as jealous of you as I am happy for you.”

  As my eyes filled with tears, I said, “I really like him and he’s so sweet and nasty at the same time. So far, he’s been good to me.”

  “He bought that bracelet?”

  I nodded. “And a necklace and a fur coat.”

  “Damn, girl. Have y’all even been together a month?”

  “Officially? Two weeks, but yeah, it’s been about a month since we first hooked up.”

  “Cuz, you found what me and you have been talking about forever—a real man.”

  “Yeah, but we’re keeping it a secret.”

  “From Armand?”

  “Yes, and that means we have to keep it from everyone else, too. Please don’t tell anyone.”

  “You know I won’t. But how long are you planning on keeping this on the hush?”

  “I don’t know. I need to see where this is going first. No need in telling Armand if this is only a short fling. Plus, I tried to reason with him when he was here, but he’s still on that ‘I don’t need to date’ stuff. I mean, it’s not like I’m afraid of him or anything like that; I just don’t want him starting any more trouble with Leland. He doesn’t deserve that.”

  She nodded. “You gotta let go of the guilt over the past. I think once you do that, you’ll have the courage to set some real boundaries with him. He’s your son, not your man.”

  “I know that.” I hated when she said stuff like that. It made me sound like a weakling or a nut, and I wasn’t either, not any longer.

  “And you know he’s wrong for always bringing it up,” she continued.

  “Yeah,” I said softly.

  “But I really am happy for you, cuz. I truly am.”

  I gave her a tiny smile. “Thanks, Z.”

  “Okay, well, I actually gotta pee. Hold up so we can go back out there together.”

  “Okay.”

  I shook my head, stared at myself in the mirror over the sink, and then I smiled. As convoluted and crazy as this all was, it was a relief to share it with someone. It made it feel more real.

  “You fucking her, ain’t you?”

  I was staring at the door to the private room, waiting for Kim and her cousin to come back. “Who?” I asked, my eyes still on the door.

  “You know the-fuck who, nigga! You fucking Daniels’ mom? Really?”

  “You wanna fuck her,” I accused, turning to face him.

  “Shit, who don’t? You know half the league was checking for her from the moment we saw her with him during the draft. The rest of us just got enough sense not to go there. And didn’t you say she wasn’t your type?”

  I shrugged. “I guess I changed my type.”

  “Daniels good with this?” he asked skeptically.

  I shook my head. “He don’t know. She don’t want him to know. So don’t say shit.”

  “Really, man? When you known me to snitch?”

  “Just saying.”

  “Whatever, nigga. So she don’t want Daniels to know, huh? I bet she don’t. I heard he was wildin’ over her in Miami, threatening to kick everybody’s ass if they even looked at her. Word is, she went out on a date with some old dude who owns a club down there and Daniels threatened to kill him. They say that’s why she moved back here. And we all know the nigga can’t stand your ass. The hell are you doing?”

  “Shit, man…I think I’m falling in love.”

  “Got damn.”

  As the door opened and Kim and her cousin made their way back to the booth, I said, “I know.”

  14

  She was behind me, her arms around me with her leg kicked over mine. I could feel the steady pattern of her breathing against my back in the darkness. We were in my suite, it was late, I had to get up in a couple of hours for my training, but all I wanted to do was lay up in that bed with her twenty-four-seven.

  This was nice and…different. I’d never basically begged a woman to give me a chance before, never kept one around this long, never thought about the future when it came to relationships. Yeah, there was a whole bunch of stuff I never considered before Kim, and the crazy thing was, I couldn’t explain the shift if someone put a gun to my head and tried to make me. There was just something inside of her that called to me from day one. Something that told me she needed me, and I damn sure needed her.

  “Leland?” I was so deep in thought I hadn’t noticed that the rhythm of her breathing had changed to indicate she was awake.

  “Yeah?” I answered, placing my hand over her much-smaller one.

  “Why do you like older women?”

  I sighed. “I don’t wanna argue about that anymore, Kim. I thought we were past this age shit. Do I need to quiz you again?”

  “No…I didn’t mean it like that. I just wanna know why. Like, most of the guys I knew back in the day who dated older women kind of did it for money or stuff like that. That’s obviously not the case with you.”

  I lay there for a minute then turned to face her, pulling her closer to me. She snuggled into my body and kissed my chest. “I don’t know. Just always have,” I said.

  “You’ve never been with someo
ne your own age?”

  “No. Never been attracted to anyone my age. Lost my virginity to my twenty-five-year-old tutor when I was fourteen.”

  “What?!”

  She sounded alarmed, so I said, “It wasn’t predatory. I begged her to do it until I finally wore her down.”

  “She still shouldn’t have done it, Leland. I mean, you didn’t rape her, did you? You didn’t make her do it?”

  “No! I’d never do that!”

  “Did you care about her? Did you love her?”

  “Love? No. But I did care about her. We were together a few more times after that. I enjoyed being with her.”

  “Where would y’all do it?”

  “Her apartment in Houston where my aunt would drop me off.”

  She was quiet for a minute, then asked, “You think it has anything to do with you losing your mother when you were young?”

  “You think I got mommy issues, baby?”

  “I-I don’t know…”

  I slid my hand down her back and clutched one of her ass cheeks. “You think I see you as my mother?”

  “Oooo, obviously not. I was just wondering about it.”

  “I don’t know, baby. Maybe it has something to do with my mom’s death or the fact that her older sister finished raising me or that my brother married an older woman or that the mail carrier we had was a fine older woman or that I had some sexy teachers? All I know is everyone has preferences and older women are mine. I’ve never tried to figure out why. I bet you have preferences, too. What kind of food do you like?”

  “Hmm, besides anything my granny cooks? I love Asian food.”

  “Okay, I can vibe with that. You like to drink? What’s your favorite cocktail?”

  “Mai Tai, hands down.”

  “I’ll remember that. What kind of men do you like?”

  I could feel her shrug against me. “Tall men and kind men, I guess.”

  “Older or younger?”

  “I always dated older men until you.”

  “So that’s your preference?”

  “I don’t know. I was always crazy about my dad, and I only got to see him occasionally growing up because he and my mom split when I was little, so I always thought that was why I dated older guys.”

  “Y’all closer now?”

  “He passed away a few years back, so we never got to have the relationship I wanted us to have, but I know he loved me. He was a sweet man.”

  “Your son’s father was older, too?”

  “Yeah, he was twenty when I got pregnant at fifteen. Like I said, you’re the first man I’ve been with that isn’t older than me.”

  “Where is he now?”

  “Armand’s father? Who the hell knows? Probably locked up somewhere since he can’t seem to stay out the pen. I haven’t seen him since Armand was like five.”

  “His father ever reach out to him?”

  “No. Not yet, but I’m sure that’s coming since Armand is in the NBA now.”

  “Yeah, probably. So, you raised him by yourself?”

  “For the most part. My mom helped me early on. I lived with her until I finished college, so she basically helped raise Armand until he was like eight, and then I moved out because I realized she’d become more of a mother to him than me and I didn’t want that. She’s never forgiven me for ‘taking her baby away from her.’ So she refused to watch him for me unless we moved back in. My grandma helped me after that, though.”

  “Well, I’m glad you had some support. Why didn’t you have a man when we got together?”

  “Who said I didn’t?”

  “Shit, I hope you woulda told me before we started fucking, baby.”

  “I would’ve.”

  “That’s what I’m saying. So why didn’t you have a man?”

  She stiffened in my arms. “You want the honest truth?”

  “That’s why I asked.”

  She sighed against my chest. “For a lot of reasons that I don’t wanna talk about.”

  “Bad relationships in the past?” That was a thing with all the women I’d messed with—regretful past relationships. Niggas really weren’t shit, myself included before Kim.

  “The worst kind of past relationships.”

  “They put their hands on you?”

  She hesitated, then whispered, “Yeah, including Armand’s father.”

  “Did Armand see it?”

  “Yeah…”

  Shit, I didn’t know what to say now, but this did explain why dude was so damn crazy when it came to her. After a few minutes of silence, I did say, “So that’s why you got sick after all that went down at Shemar’s house, why you were crying?”

  “Yeah, it hit too close to home, brought back some really bad memories.”

  “Baby…I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  “It’s not your fault. I just…I don’t know why I attracted men who liked to hit me,” she said.

  “All of them hit you?”

  “All the ones I had a real relationship with did. I’ve never loved or thought I loved a man who didn’t hurt me both emotionally and physically.”

  We were both quiet for a moment or two, and then I asked, “Y-you want me to stop smacking your ass and stuff? Does that bother you?”

  “You think it bothers me?”

  “I think you like it, but—”

  She pushed against my chest until I rolled over on my back. Then she straddled me, making my shit rise as she sat on it. “I like everything you do to me, Leland…especially that.”

  That was a relief, because I loved smacking her ass…and her pussy. The sound of it did something to me. “Good. So now I know why you need me.”

  “Did I say I needed you?”

  “You didn’t have to.”

  Rolling her eyes, she said, “Okay, I’ll bite. Why do I need you?”

  “Because you need to know what it’s like for a man to treat you right. I do that for you.”

  “So you think you treat me right, huh?”

  “I know I treat you more than right.”

  I watched the expression on her face change from what looked like delight to confusion. “Do you need me?” she asked.

  “Yeah, baby. I do,” I answered.

  “Why?”

  “Because I need someone to share my world with, someone I can give my heart to. That’s you.”

  She blinked a few times and then smiled down at me. “You’re beautiful, you know that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wow.”

  I chuckled. “Hey, you on birth control, baby?”

  She frowned down at me and nodded. “Of course I am. I’m on the pill. Why?”

  I reached over on the nightstand for a condom. “I’ma send you my latest test results tomorrow so we can go raw. I wanna feel you like that.”

  Leaning forward to kiss me, she said, “Okay, I’ll send you mine, too.”

  *****

  “I miss you.” Her voice flowed into my ear, and I smiled.

  “You coulda came with me,” I replied.

  “And do what? Hide in a hotel room the whole time?”

  “I got a house out here. I told you that.”

  “Okay, then I’d be hiding in your house. No thank you.”

  “If you tell your son about us, you wouldn’t have to hide.”

  “It’s too soon for that.”

  “It’s been almost two months.”

  “Exactly. Too soon.”

  “If you say so. I gotta go do this interview in a minute. I’ll call you later.”

  “Okay. Bye, Leland.”

  “Bye, baby.”

  I went to the pictures on my phone and stared at the one I’d taken of her that morning before I left to return to LA. In it, she was asleep, mouth slightly open. Smiling, I closed the picture, stepped out of my truck, and into the studio, glad this was just a two-day trip, because I already missed the shit out of her.

  15

  I already wasn’t in the best of moods because Leland
’s little turnaround trip to LA had been extended, and while we spent the majority of our time together engaged in sex, I did manage to get the best sleep I’d had in years when I was in his bed. Since he’d been gone, I’d fallen back into a familiar pattern of insomnia, which had my eyes tired and my head throbbing. Add to that miserable condition that Peaches had decided to call in sick and my irritation level was through the roof. My plan had been to stay to myself in my office, but that was impossible now. Peaches’ absence meant I’d have to interact with people.

  I should take my ass home.

  That was the logical solution, but I’d never been the most logical person, so I decided to torture myself by tackling payroll. My eyes were damn near crossed by 11:00 AM when my cell phone began to vibrate against my desk. I rolled the hell out of them when I saw my mother’s name on the screen. I shouldn’t have answered it, but my dumb ass did.

  “Hello?” I tried to sound chipper but failed epically.

  “I’m still alive,” was her greeting.

  I sighed, reclined in my chair, and said, “Well, I hope so since you’re on the phone talking to me.”

  “You live in the same town with me, and you don’t come see me; you don’t call. A lot of people wish they still had their mother, and you act like you don’t care about yours.”

  Closing my eyes, I rested my head on the back of my chair. “I care.”

  “You don’t act like it.”

  “Been busy.”

  “Boogie stays busier than you, but he makes time to call me.”

  Because he actually likes you. I don’t. “You talked to him today?”

  “Mm-hmm. He sounded so good. I am so proud of that boy! It’s a blessing how he turned out after the shit you put him through getting your ass kicked all over town.”

  “I guess I get it from my mama,” spilled from my lips before I could catch it and reel it back in.

  “Oh, you wanna take it there?”

  “You took it there.”

  “Yeah, well, I might have gotten my ass kicked a couple of times, but I had sense enough to leave men alone a long time ago. I haven’t had a boyfriend in years. And your ass shoulda been taking notes on how not to get your ass kicked instead of running head first into any fool who liked to kick ass.”