Let Me Hold You Read online

  She nodded.

  “Well, shit…I felt the same way when you were talking about that movie Hill mentioned. And you know about the author he was talking about, too? I was like, damn, what doesn’t my woman know?”

  “That turned you on?” she asked.

  “Like a motherfucker.”

  Her eyes narrowed as she leaned in and grabbed my bottom lip with her teeth, bit down on it, then swiped her tongue across it to ease the pain.

  I held up a finger. “Hold that thought. Driver, take us to the nearest hotel.”

  She frowned slightly. “A hotel?”

  “Yeah, me and Tyrone ‘bout to tear you and Little Kim up!”

  20

  I had a lot on my mind that morning, from the situation with my sister and her husband to this new business venture I’d decided to enter into. My sister was grown. Hell, she was older than me, but I was still worried about her, had basically begged her to fly back to St. Louis with us, but she’d refused, deciding to stay in Houston at Ev’s place while her husband flew back to their place in LA. I kind of hoped she didn’t take Wayne’s ass back but didn’t want to push her in any direction. I honestly just wanted her to be happy, whatever that looked like for her.

  The business deal, I believed was solid, but it still felt foreign to be standing on my own with it. Then there was the fact that we were flying back home that morning. Kim had been so relaxed in Houston, so open to my family and even the Hills. I wasn’t looking forward to going back to being closed up in bedrooms with her again, but like I said, I’d do what I had to do to keep her.

  As the limo pulled to a stop, she grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

  Leaning in to kiss her cheek, I said, “I’ll be right back, and then we’ll be on our way to the airport.”

  “Can I go with you?” she asked softly.

  I looked at her for a second, and then asked, “You sure you want to?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, unless you…do you need to go alone?”

  I shook my head. “No, you can go. I was gonna tell her about you, anyway.”

  I held her hand as I led the way, taking the stone path I’d walked so many times before, but usually alone. It felt good not to do this alone for once. When I stopped, I nodded at the huge, marble headstone that stood before us proclaiming this the final resting place of Randall and Juanita McClain, my parents.

  Instead of talking to my mother like I had planned to, like I usually did, I stood there and stared at their names. And when I opened my mouth to speak, my words were directed at Kim.

  “I never knew my father, because I was a baby when he died, but my mother? She was…she was an angel. She loved me, spoiled me, and even when she yelled, ‘Leland Randall!’ and I knew I was in trouble for something, I was never afraid of her. She disciplined me with love. I remember I hated to be apart from her for any reason, including to go to school.”

  She didn’t reply, just squeezed my hand, I guess to let me know she was listening.

  “I made it home first that day, so I was the one who found her. She was on the floor, and even at eleven, I knew she was gone. But I called nine-one-one anyway.” I blew out a breath. “Can you imagine that? Losing your mama, your whole world, at eleven and being the one to find her…dead?”

  “No, I can’t,” she whispered.

  “I remember feeling so helpless…and alone. After my mom died, I could be in a room full of people and I’d still feel alone. I remember feeling like shit like that would always happen to me, like bad stuff was gonna follow me around for the rest of my life. And on top of losing my mom, the kids at school would fuck with me, tell me I thought I was better than them because of who my brother was. I was always fighting and arguing. I believed I’d never be happy again.”

  “Do you still believe that?”

  “Naw, I can see the good in my life now. I got good friends like Polo and I got my brothers and sister, Aunt Ever, Uncle Lee, even Aunt Ever’s boyfriend that she puts out the house every other day. I’da introduced you to him, but he’s in the dog house right now.”

  She chuckled.

  “And I got a good career. I live a good life. Then there’s you. You’re a good thing, too,” I continued.

  She stood there for a moment, then dropped my hand and wrapped her arms around me. “I love you,” she said into my chest.

  “You don’t have to say that just because—”

  “No, it’s the truth. I love you, Leland. I do, with all my heart. I just don’t have a good track record when it comes to love, so I was reluctant to say it, but I do. I love you, and I…I need you.”

  Something popped in my chest, like my damn heart snapped or something at hearing her say those words. “Kim…”

  “And I know I’m not easy to love. I’m crazy. I do stupid stuff. I overreact. I’m difficult to be with, but I’m glad you haven’t given up on me. I’m glad you love me, and I want you to know you don’t ever have to feel alone again, because you have me. And you’re not helpless, you’re strong and smart and talented and so powerful. You make me feel special. I love you so much, Leland.”

  I squeezed my arms around her and closed my eyes. “I love you, too, baby, more than I know how to show you.”

  We were quiet, standing there holding each other in the middle of Hartfield Cemetery in my hometown. Then something came over me, and before I could stop myself, I said, “I want you to have my baby.”

  She stiffened in my arms. “What?”

  “I…want you to have my baby.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yeah, I think I am.”

  “You think you are?”

  “I know I am.”

  “But didn’t you say you didn’t want kids?”

  “Yeah, but that was before I fell in love with you. Now I want that more than anything.”

  “Leland, my only child is twenty years old.”

  “I know that.”

  “Then you know it would be crazy for me to have children twenty-plus years apart.”

  I didn’t know how to reply to that. I just knew what I wanted and that was for her to have my baby.

  “And I’m thirty-five.”

  “And?”

  “That’s too old for me to be getting pregnant, Leland. See, that’s what I was trying to tell you before we got in so deep with each other. You need a woman who can give you kids!”

  “That woman is you!”

  “No, it’s not!”

  “Yes the-fuck it is! Kim, you are not old, and I wish the-hell I knew why you think you are!”

  “Because I have a grown son!”

  “That you had when you were a kid! Look, it’s women way older than you having babies.”

  “I know that…I, um…Leland, this thing we have, it’s dizzying and fierce and makes me light-headed sometimes. It feels like I’m on a rollercoaster ride that’s about to fly off its tracks any second. It’s scary enough for me without adding a baby to it. I’m just not ready for that,” she said. “Not right now.”

  I released her then grabbed her hand, sighing as I said, “You’re right. It’s too soon for that. Forget I said it. Let’s just go.”

  She looked like she wanted to cry when she said, “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just. I do love you, but—”

  I released her hand and held her face in my hands. “You love me. That’s more than enough for me. I’m not upset, baby. Not at all. Come on, we gotta get to the airport.” I leaned in and kissed her, then smiled down at her.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck, kissed me, and then took my hand, letting me lead her back to the limo.

  21

  More and more, I was beginning to hate my job. Not that anything about it had changed. No, it’d always been hectic, stressful, and overwhelming, to put it lightly. I suppose what had changed was me and my priorities. Before, my main goal had been to stay busy and to keep my mind occupied, and yes, to help others. I still had a desire to help others, but I had a new passion that more t
han kept my mind occupied—Leland McClain. Since that trip to Texas a few weeks earlier, we’d grown closer and closer, had spent nearly every hour I wasn’t at work and he wasn’t at practice or working out together, and when he left earlier that morning for a preseason game in Memphis, I was crushed. He’d offered for me to tag along, and while that was tempting, I had to work, and I still wasn’t trying to be out like that with him. He’d been right about his family not posting anything about us and neither had the Hills, but I wasn’t going to push it.

  A knock came at my office door, and before I could acknowledge it, it eased open, and as expected, Elrich stepped into my office with a pinched brow and apprehension in his gray eyes. He would be considered attractive by anyone’s standards—neat, fit, handsome, and compassionate. He was a keeper. I realized that, just not my keeper. I had thought he understood that, that we had an understanding from day one of our dalliances, but I’d evidently thought wrong, because since his encounter with Leland on the phone, he’d barely said two words to me despite the fact that we’d had several meetings since then. I asked questions to assess his progress with whatever issue involving whomever it involved, and he kind of just grunted his answers. That needed to end. We were adults, professionals, and while Leland had crossed the line, so had Elrich, to be honest. He needed to get over this ASAP. So I had summoned him to my office.

  “You wanted to see me?” he asked, in a less-than-friendly but not quite antagonistic tone.

  “Yes, have a seat.”

  “I’d rather stand.”

  “And I’d rather you had a seat.”

  He rolled his lips between his teeth before dropping into a chair in front of my desk, and then he just stared at me.

  “You wanna tell me what’s going on?” I asked.

  “With what?” he asked.

  “Your attitude as of late.”

  He shrugged, rested his left leg on his right knee, and relaxed his posture. “I don’t have an attitude.”

  “Yes, you do. Either you have an attitude or somehow lost half the words in your vocabulary.”

  He chuckled bitterly. “You have your new boyfriend talk crazy to me, and I’m the one being interrogated? You are something else.”

  I leaned forward with a frown tattooed on my face. “I didn’t have him do anything. He’s an adult. He does what he wants, and I apologize if he hurt your feelings.”

  “Hurt my feelings?” he scoffed. “No, he didn’t hurt my feelings. You hurt them by turning me down for a thug. What is he? A drug dealer?”

  “What?! Why would you think that?”

  “Because he sounded like one!”

  He had raised his voice and I’d never known him to do that before, so after I calmed myself down, I said, “Elrich, did you think what we had was more than what it really was?”

  He sighed. “No, I just…I think I made a mistake with you. I should’ve demanded more.”

  “Demanded? That wasn’t going to work with me; I can tell you that right now.” The only man who can get away with that is Leland McClain.

  “I know. It’s just that I care more about you than I realized when we were…when we had our arrangement. It didn’t dawn on me until after we stopped seeing each other.”

  “Well…I’m sorry, Elrich. I didn’t know.”

  “Would it have made a difference if I had known then? If I had told you how I felt?”

  “I don’t know,” I lied. The truth was, I now knew what love was. It was what I felt for Leland, what I’d never felt for Elrich. I don’t think I could’ve fallen in love with him even if I’d tried. He just wasn’t the one.

  “Is this thing with the new guy serious?” he asked.

  I nodded my response.

  Blowing out a breath, he said, “I guess I have myself to blame for letting you go.”

  “No, I’m a firm believer that things happen as they should, as they’re meant to. You’re a great guy, Elrich, and I know there’s someone out there for you.”

  “Thank you for that.”

  “And in the meantime, can you stop giving me attitude?”

  He gave me a slow smile. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

  “And I’m truly sorry if I hurt you in any way or led you on or—”

  “You didn’t, so there’s no need for you to apologize.”

  We were both quiet for a minute or two before he stood, and said, “Well, boss…I better get back to work.”

  “Okay, thanks for meeting with me.”

  “No problem.”

  *****

  “So you two have been together since college? Wow!” I said to Kendra, Polo’s girlfriend. She was petite, rail thin, and appeared even younger than her age in the little dress she wore. I was the oldest person at the table, and sitting there looking at her, I felt it. But she was sweet, a gracious hostess, and the food was good. Nothing fancy, just some shrimp tacos and dip and chips, but delicious. When Leland told me we were invited to have dinner with her and Polo after he got back in town, my first reaction was to panic, but he assured me Polo was a friend of his who would keep us a secret for as long as he asked and that Kendra would do the same. And despite having to miss my stiletto step class, the evening had been enjoyable.

  “Actually, me and Polo met in high school, been together since eleventh grade.”

  “That’s amazing!” I said, my eyes wide as they shifted from Kendra to Polo.

  She nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it hasn’t been all perfect or anything. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we love each other, so we stick it out.” She wasn’t lying about things between them not being perfect. From what I’d seen on social media, Polo stayed getting caught with other women.

  “Yeah, I love this girl, just can’t get her to marry me. I done asked a million times,” Polo said.

  “Really?” I asked, as Leland moved his chair closer to mine and draped his arm across my shoulders.

  Kendra shrugged. “I don’t see the point. We’re good like this.”

  Polo shook his head. “Naw, she’s convinced we’ll get a divorce. She says as long as we stay like this, we might fight or break up, but we always get back together. She feels like divorces are final.”

  “That’s an interesting way of looking at it,” I said.

  “It’s what I’ve observed in my family. Folks stay together for years, break up, make up, then they decide to get married, get divorced, and that’s it. I’d rather have Polo in my life like it is than not at all,” Kendra admitted.

  “I don’t know why you want this fool,” Leland quipped. “He ain’t shit.”

  “I know the king of Ain’t Shit Land ain’t talking,” Polo rebutted.

  They went back and forth trading insults for a few minutes, and then they both laughed.

  “You two are a mess,” I said, with a grin on my face.

  They slapped hands across the huge, glass-topped table. “My nigga for life,” Polo said.

  “On everything,” Leland agreed.

  “So,” Kendra began, “you two must be serious. I’ve been begging Leland to have dinner with us forever, so when Polo said he finally accepted, I almost fainted. Then I found out he was bringing a date and almost had a stroke. As long as I’ve known him, he’s never introduced me to any of his girlfriends.”

  “Really?” I said, glancing at Leland.

  “Never had a girlfriend before Kim, Kendra,” he said.

  “You don’t have to lie for my benefit,” I directed to Leland.

  “I ain’t lying. I had acquaintances, friends. You’re my first real girlfriend.”

  “Do your friends and acquaintances know that?”

  He shrugged. “I ain’t never lead them to believe otherwise.”

  “Well, you two look good together. It’s good to see my friend with a woman with viable eggs,” Polo said.

  Kendra smacked his arm as he threw his head back and laughed.

  “Oh, you got jokes, huh? You lucky I’m in a good mood tonight,” Leland said, then leaned in a
nd kissed my cheek.

  “Y’all are so cute! Hey, since these two are so close, maybe we can hang out when they’re on the road, or will you be traveling with Leland?” Kendra asked.

  I shook my head. “I have a job, so it would be difficult to travel with him.”

  “Well, I don’t work, but I’m not with the road life. Tried it, but hated it.”

  “I bet. But yeah, we can hang out sometimes when I’m off. That’d be nice.” It really would be nice. I liked Kendra’s spirit.

  “Great! I’ll get your number before you two leave.”

  “Okay.”

  Leland leaned in to kiss me again, this time on the lips. “I love you, you know that?” he whispered.

  “I love you, too,” I whispered in response. When I looked up, both Polo and Kendra were grinning at us.

  “That was fun!” Kim chirped, as I pulled out of Polo’s driveway.

  “See what a nice time we can have outside a condo?”

  “I went to Texas with you, Leland. We’ve been out together before tonight.”

  “But we need to do it more often.”

  She didn’t respond. So I said, “Don’t you think it’s time to tell Armand about us so we can stop hiding this? I mean, it’s only a matter of time before he finds out anyway.”

  “I’m not ready yet.”

  “Baby—”

  “I’m not ready. Just…I need more time.”

  Sighing, I said, “A’ight, Kim. A’ight.”

  22

  “You get the tickets?”

  I leaned back in my chair and bit my bottom lip. “Yeah, I got them.”

  “So you gonna make my games?”

  “All of them? Probably not, Boogie. I have…I have work, you know?”

  “What? You think I’ma fire you for taking off to see me play?”

  “No, of course not. I just hate missing work. This place seems to fall apart in my absence.”

  “You talking about the break-in? Don’t blame yourself for that, Ma. You deserved to take that trip with your friends. Shoot, I told you, I got you. You ain’t gotta work at all. I actually don’t like you working at that place. It obviously ain’t safe.”